I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
