Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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