You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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