Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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