I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
