Jerry, you need to find god
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
