nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
