can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
