you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
