My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So squirting runs in the family.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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