I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
