he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
