Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
