I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
