So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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