Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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