so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
