i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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