hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
