my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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