I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How external is "for external use only"?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
