Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
