Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
