I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
