I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
