The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
