If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
