Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
