I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
