i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
