I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You ruined the universe
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
