He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
