Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
