If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
