you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
