Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
