Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
