If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
