I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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