Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
