I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
