I like to think it a success when the cops are called
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
