I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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