It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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