honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
