Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
