Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
