mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
