my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
