Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
